Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Education versus love

I read this blogpost when it came out the other day. Last night I read it again because I thought I have my own "reasons" to add to the list. Originally, my list is only until number 5, but I could not seem to stop. The rest is a bit of a stretch already. I did not want to post this on Facebook since posting about such things on FB has become notorious. People might think it is about them. I did not also want this to be taken as being "emo". Posting this list here somehow give it more weight. It is more about creativity rather than simple venting of frustrations. I hope I have not repeated any of the ideas of the original blog. 

1. I don't want to love you anymore because I no longer wish to be compared to cute and happy girls. I may not be your idea of cute, but I know I am passably good looking to any portion of society and I was happy with how I looked. I may not look happy, but I am relatively happy. Besides, genetics is difficult to hide unless you had a lot of money. I have naturally droopy eyes and downturned mouth. They don't make for a happy facial expression. I may not always laugh, but I was at peace with my life. And when I do laugh, they never ring hollow.

2. I don't want to love you anymore because you think education is not important in a mate. I have worked hard for my education. I have gone hungry just so I can have a college degree. I gave up a lot of things just so I can buy good books. I gave up love for a while because love and work and getting an education all at the same time are not really compatible. Besides, faithfulness and loyalty were never about having less or more education. True love and faithfulness to that love are about values.

3. I don't want to love you anymore because I want to continue to realize my potentials. Higher education was just one of my potentials. You think reading fiction is a waste of time. But reading is just one of my hobbies. And I don't read fiction all the time. I do read reference books. I also draw. You have seen my drawings, but I never hear anything about it from you, while I support you all the time about your own hobbies and interests. In fact, I make it more interesting when you talk about your hobby because I happen to love the material your hobby depends on. 

4. I don't want to love you anymore because I don't want to be your "go to girl". I don't want to be the last option. I don't want to be the girl to talk to because others bore you for a while. I don't want to be the girl you talk to because it is easier to talk to me. When we talk you need not have adjust your grammar, break down ideas to its simplest form, or explain about things and concepts all the time. 

5. I don't want to love you anymore because you know I write but you have never asked to see any of my compositions. I don't think you even read any of my Facebook posts. I don't think you even looked at my Facebook at all. You never liked any of my posts and I have posted hundreds since I became a member since 2007. You only ever liked one photo of me and I have at least 446 with family and friends and about a dozen or so of me solo. 

6. I don't want to love you anymore because you believe in unconditional love. There is no such thing as unconditional love. As the internet meme said "my love is not unconditional. i expect you not to be an asshole". Although some internet meme are stupid, I think that one is right. Love is about "I will love you if you will be good and kind to me". Generally speaking, you don't really expect a woman to love a man when he is physically, emotionally and psychologically abusing her do you? Love is conditional. 

7. I don't want to love you anymore because you believe in forever. There is no forever. If there is a beginning, then there is also an end. Only stories do not end, but they are not the same story. 

8. I don't want to love you anymore because I prefer to be called by my name when we talk. Endearments are so generic. They allow for slip-ups. You could be talking to a girl named Maria for all you care and I would never know. If some women are thrilled and feel special when you call them dear or honey, I feel faceless and nameless. Like you don't really care who you talk to so long as you talk to someone and feel less bored or alone or lonely. 

9. I don't want to love you anymore because you think I am materialistic. I am not. I don't even have a smartphone. My cellphone is the most basic there is. It does not have a camera. It is not internet ready. All it can do is send a text message, call, provide an alarm when I want it to, give me the time of the day and the day of the week, provide me light when I am outside in the dark. 

10. I don't want to love you anymore because I prefer to wear the softest and coolest cotton clothes and the softest leather shoes and bags. You think it is an excess when one can buy clothes and shoes at thrift stores. You think $50 is the maximum amount you would spend on denim jeans, but my one and only expensive denim is $70. And you said $1 shirts can be had at any thrift stores, but I have at least two shirts that are over $100 worth. So, maybe I am really materialistic and I don't want to be defensive about it because those are actually gifts. 

11. I don't want to love you anymore because I don't want to be called "girl". I am not a one anymore. I am a grown woman. I don't even think I was ever a girl. I was never carefree. I matured so early. I have requested you to please call me "woman", but you continue to refer to me as "girl".

12. I don't want to love you anymore because I don't want to contribute more than I had to to forest degradation and climate change. Besides, 3-ply virgin pulp tissue papers are really expensive. I supposed I can use cotton handkerchief to wipe my tears and nose, but I don't really want to disgust my help into leaving me. Good and honest help is very difficult to find. And while I love the mind-numbing effect of hand-washing clothes, I abhor cleaning. And I really my love clean and relatively arranged living quarters.

13. I don't want to love you anymore because I think you think I am trying to pass off a child as a nephew or a niece. I neither have one. I can medically prove I never have one. But you are so fascinated, maybe really be in love with somebody who can be medically proven to have delivered at least one offspring. Maybe it is true that men like you prefer women with children because these women know about real sacrifice. But then, what does these things matter. It is about honesty and being appreciated for it too. 

14. I don't want to love you anymore because when you talked about your family I became so interested I asked questions. But when I talked about mine, all you say is "ok". 

15. I don't want to love you anymore because I really liked your body but you make me insecure about mine. I love your lean and long body and ripped muscles but you think my 32B boobs are too big and the very slight curve to my stomach is fat. And you think girls with big boobs and fat girls are disgusting.

16. I don't want to love you anymore because I think you are only tolerating me to use as material/source/reference on how to make better seduction of other girls. 

17. I don't want to love you anymore because some song says "there are fifty ways to leave a lover", but if you add my list to the list on the link, it still does not add up to fifty. That only means there is still some part of me that want to continue to love you. But loving you is not fair to me especially when there is no hope of you ever loving me because you have already found your one, true, sweet, innocent love. 

18. I don't want to love you anymore because I have always been proud of my bloody-mindedness and my cold heart because they are earned with scars, but you make me want to be sweet and innocent. They are characteristics I am very dubious about in girls and women. 

19. I don't want to love you anymore because I remember about 80% of the things you told me, but you only remember about 20% of the things I told you. You can't even remember the name of the place I reside. You are confused about the places where I worked and where I visit every weekends. Maybe you remember even less than 20%. I know you don't remember my full name. 

20. I don't want to love you anymore because I love your intellect, but you downplay it all the time. You hide them to me and from me. I am proud of what you achieved academically, of your master's degree, but you never seemed interested in it. It is like you work so hard for it and found out too late it has no value after all.  

21. I don't want to love you anymore because you want marriage and a child maybe, but I have been running my whole life from both. You think love and marriage are inclusive of each other, but I think otherwise. There are a lot of marriages without love. And there are deep loves that never end up in marriage. 

22. I don't want to love you anymore because you never really believed I love you. You think I was playing some kind of mental game with you. Of course I was playing some kind  of mental game. Everything is mental. Everything happens in the brain. But my playing a mental game was never with malice. I was trying to find balance. I did not want to show you too much in case you think I am obsessed, or too little love in case you think I do not love you. 

23. I don't want to love you anymore because you never really made me feel like I was the only one. Of course I realized we were only on the getting to know you stage, but I have always know you were getting to know several women at once. And then you did not really chose me after all. You found me wanting when all I did was show you not only my best but also my worst. 

24. I don't want to love you anymore because I want your love, but it has been given somewhere else. Even as you continue to be nice to me, you heart was already given to another. And I want to be the only one, but I feel like one of the "thank you, girls" in some beauty pageant. 

25. I don't want to love you anymore because whatever romance and love story writers say, hearts do get tired. Human beings are meant to love and be loved. 

26. I don't want to love you anymore because when I post on Facebook, I wanted to use first person plural. 


27. WE don't want to love you anymore.